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The Hedgehog Song, v1.7

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Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett

from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

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Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do

But I have to say this as a warning to you:

With almost all animals, you can have ball

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man

They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can

The result I think you'll find will appall:

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun

An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton

Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick

you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.

He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,

Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo

Will be entertaining to both her and you

Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 3: (So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come

You'll never get through his impregnable bum

With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all)

CHORUS

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet

And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet

Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill

It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill

You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night

With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite

We already mentioned the horse, you may recall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell

Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell

A troll can be rocky if down you should fall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter

Or pego a pig after parting his trotters

Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur

To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer

The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat

Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat

Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing

Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,

Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,

Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,

A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,

You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.

You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,

But to keep up with them you may have to run.

You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,

A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.

Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain

If you take my advice you will save yourself pain

When the base urges strike you it's best to recall

That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

CHORUS

Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun

You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun

But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all

That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can top a giraffe if you stand on a stool

Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool

But the fact still remains that if you want to ball

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you

And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu

Carouse with a louse if your weenie is small

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

It's hard with a crab 'cause its bum's watertight

The best way is sideways, then twist to the right

If you screw one, be thankful as shorewards you crawl

For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

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